Happy Birthday Letter to Brian

or.....Its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

Happy Birthday Brian. We sent balloons...did you get them? Red metallic mylar hearts...keeping with tradition.
33 my brother. Wow. What a great number. I can hear you echo in agreement....
We had such a fun time watching your home videos and eating cupcakes...in your honor, celebrating your life.I am so happy that so much of your life with Anna is so well documented. I so loved hearing you laugh. So bittersweet.
It filled my heart and hurt my heart at the same time. It felt good. You know what the best part was? Watching your wife...my amazing sister, laughing ...happy..so full of joy watching movies of you, and her...with Ava and baby brewing. Old times....from the beginning of your wild and wonderful ride together. She was so happy. I can not use any better word to describe besides "Joy". I could see real and genuine joy on her face as she was watching...remembering...reliving. Amazing.
Thank you for giving her that.; For giving her such wonderful memories of your times, that in the midst of everything she feels joy. Thank you. She is so strong. You see that. Would expect no less. The girls are so great. Beautiful little creatures you created. Bella or Baby "B" is amazing. She and I.... we have a special connection. It started from the moment I saw her come into this world. So amazing. I can't even express how grateful I am to have had that experience. My first. She is beautiful. When I look into her eyes I see you. Her smile...wow. And quite honestly some funky faces she pulls also.. :) But like I said, we have this "connection". We just look at each other and talk.
I can hold her and rock her and get her to sleep for Anna so quickly. Every time. She looks at me and I look at her. She just relaxes and just falls asleep. I feel like when I am doing that, I am doing that for you. She would be doing
that with you. That connection...that safe comfortable, secure, familiar place. I am so so so grateful to have that connection with her. It feels special. And Ava... What a firecracker. She is so fun and has such a great time
playing and keeping up with her cousins. And she doesn't just keep up...no, she keeps all those boys running. I love her spunk and her tomboy tendencies. We will be finding lots of bugs together. I love bugs too.
It's funny I have to admit I have been bribing her with lip gloss lately. Been working quite well I must say. We hang well together. May be graduating to a sleepover sometime soon.

And now.....the inevitable subject. Today. two days after your Birthday,the 6 month mark. It is totally surreal.
I still can't quite wrap my brain around it. It just seems like yesterday.....it really really does. I miss you.
We all do...so many people people do. I have learned so much about myself over the last 6 months.
Contemplating life.....the finite. How time passes.....is measured....is used. Perhaps taken for granted.
Questioning what real priorities are. All the big stuff.....I like the challenge. It is waking me up. Shaking me to my senses.
Life is too short not to just lay it all out on the table.
Fearlessness in everything. I never want to regret having not done something. I can regret have done. Learning from my mistakes I have made.
But , I can't bare the idea of regretting the unknown....now. Thank you for all the life lessons you are sending me brother. I am learning every day.

Please don't worry. Your girls are in good care. They are 3 of the strongest most stubborn and most wonderful humans on this planet. What a blessing.

Happy Birthday Brian love you...
Your Life is Epic...
Keep in touch.....

Moqui~